Last Friday

April 10, 2010 § 2 Comments

I hooked up with a guy from my uni. Not all-the-way hooked up, but pretty damn close. Pretty much all-the-way hooked up, except that it wasn’t. If that makes any sense 🙂 Closest I’ve come… And I had fun, but I made pretty damn sure he knew that it was just that – fun. And when I got back home, I felt so relaxed, and so in control, and just so…good.

And life moved on.
I actually found myself praying that he wouldn’t call or text because all I was gonna do anyway was turn him down and reiterate the fact that it was nothing serious. 


SATURDAY went out. Had such a good time… *sigh* 🙂 Alcohol, dancing, amazing music, company that the gods would kill to have…i mean, what more could anyone want??

SUNDAY – recovered all day. WHY does my body hurt so damn much?!?

MONDAY – got up with a generally hate-filled heart and went to class. Who created stupid mondays anyway?? Ugh. Made it through the day, but just barely.

All this time I’m still feeling cool and sexy and, like I said, in control.

TUESDAY – wow. He’s REALLY not gonna call? Oh well, whatever, better off this way anyway…

WEDNESDAY oh for fuck’s sake, seriously?! Shouldn’t he at least fucking check up on me? I mean, what if I fucking got lost on the way home or something? What if I’m lying dead in a fucking ditch right now and no one knows? Did he not enjoy himself??? Do I not generally make guys wanna come back for more? Is he fucking for real?!

I never curse. Uh oh.

Why do I always do this? Why do I pretend to myself that I’m so much bigger than all the girls who sit around waiting on the phone to ring? Why do I think I’m so self-actualized; so independent that I can be in control of all my generally pathetic feelings?
Why oh why do I think I’m immune??
Immune to falling…immune to being stupid-in-love…immune to heartbreak…?
Not in this case, of course – that would be a little retarded. But it served as a reminder. I still need to be careful with my heart. I am the rule, NOT the exception to the rule.

And it’s very fucking scary.


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What Is The Difference

April 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

between your heart breaking, and your ego being, not bruised, but shall we say horrifically damaged? Yeah, I like that. Horrifically damaged.

Paulo Coelho.

April 7, 2010 § 1 Comment

Every time I read one of his books, I change.

Maybe?

April 6, 2010 § 2 Comments

Sometimes Kelly Clarkson speaks directly to/about me… This song is the perfect example of that.
You know, I read my sister’s blog just the other day (she’s not scarily private like I am), and she had said almost the exact same thing about this very song. I’m not posting this because she did…I’m posting this for me… Kelly Clarkson’s music has always moved me. And I don’t mean to sound like just another person who’s a fan just for the sake of being a fan. Anyway, whatever.
I’m strong, but I break.
I’m stubborn, and I make plenty of mistakes.
Yeah, I’m hard
And life with me is never easy to figure out.
To love, I’m jaded but oh so lovely.
All you have to do is hold me
And you’ll know, and you’ll see just how sweet it can be
If you’ll trust me, love me, let me…maybe
Maybe…
Some day when we’re at the same place,
When we’re on the same road,
When it’s okay to hold my hand without feeling lost
Without all the excuses –
When it’s just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe.
Maybe…
All you have to do is hold me
And you’ll know, and you’ll see just how sweet it can be
If you’ll trust me, love me, let me…maybe
Maybe…
I’m confusing as hell
I’m north and south.
And I’ll probably never have it all figured out,
But what I know is I wasn’t meant to walk this world
Without you.
And I promise I’ll try
Yeah, I’m gonna try to give you every little part of me,
Every single detail you missed with your eyes.
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

Maybe…

One day we’ll meet again and you’ll need me
You’ll see me completely –
Every little bit.
Oh yeah, maybe you’ll love me
You’ll love me then.
I don’t wanna be tough,
And i don’t wanna be proud.
I don’t need to be fixed
And I certainly don’t need to be found –
I’m not lost!
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved.
I just wanna be loved by you
And I won’t stop ’cause i believe
In maybe
Yeah, maybe,
Maybe
Maybe…
I should know better than to touch the fire twice,
But i’m thinking maybe
Yeah, maybe you might
Maybe, love
Maybe.

How can this not move me completely and totally? And it’s not just the words, it’s the emotion in her voice. It’s the notes she hits. It’s the accompanying background music. I’m almost tempted to write all the lyrics of all her songs here… 🙂

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