June 22, 2010 § 5 Comments
Meet Tony Stonem. Popular, intelligent, handsome, the boy all teachers and parents love, the choir boy. Oh, and he’s a sociopath too. Tony likes to fuck around with everyone around him, especially his best friend and his girlfriend. You know the ones who actually tolerate him and still love him? Yeah, them. Tony is a prick. No lie. Sir Douchebaggery himself. His capacity to emotionally abuse people should be considered a talent. And just when you start to hate him. No, just when you start to hate him MORE, he turns around and does something that makes you just want to hold him as you weep together *sigh* I think everyone falls for Tony at some point. My moment came when Effy overdosed, and those cunts were trying to make him sleep with her. His pain was tangible, you know? Ah, Tony…
Then in the finale of season 1, Tony seems to finally be growing up. He’s talking to Michelle on the phone and tells her he loves her. TONY STONEM! Oh, but then he gets hit by a bus. Fun.
Change. It’s a wonderful thing. You know how subatomic particles don’t obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and BANG! Energy. Well, it’s the same as that. That’s the great thing about the universe – it’s unpredictable. That’s why it’s so much fun.
Season 2 is tough. Tony’s basically forgotten everything about anything. The break between seasons lets us skip passed all the primary healing that he needs to go through, but his pain isn’t in any way lessened. He needs to start from scratch and it isn’t easy. Suddenly, the boy wonder has lost everything. His friends aren’t as present as they should be (and who can really blame them? It’s tough), he can’t remember his girlfriend, he can’t even write his NAME. But you know what? It makes for a much better Tony. Some aspects of his character don’t change, but we heart this Tony. We really do 🙂
Also, how hot was it when he fucked that girl at the uni? Rawr!
A wise man once said, life moves pretty fast. If you dont stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it…and that would be a shame.
I’m not going to go fully into everyones’ character. This is just basic. So do yourself a favour and go watch Skins. You want to. Trust me.
June 22, 2010 § 5 Comments
And so once again, I over-estimated the amount of free time I have. Just like with my attempt to take the challenge to write 250 words a day, my short-lived joining of NaBloPoMo, I bit off more than I could chew thinking I could possibly write just one long post and that would be it. Truth is, even though I swear I spend most of my time procrastinating and/or sleeping, I just DON’T have time. I think uni has officially already been given the title as the busiest period of my life…so far 🙂 Anyway, I decided to break up the one long post into several shorter posts. Makes more sense.
Oh lord, I don’t even know where to start. I’m obsessed with Skins. OBSESSED. I found it on one night when I couldn’t sleep. I think I was 16 then, or just about to turn 16 anyway. It was the 2nd episode. I’ve watched it a countless number of times since then. It’s so beautiful and honest and raw. And grey. Because nothing is black and white. You simultaneously love and hate everyone. It’s magic.
Okay, basics – Skins is a British drama that follows the lives of form 5 and 6 students. Originally created by Bryan Elsley and Jamie Brittain – father and son. It’s been really popular because everyone who works on it is really young – the writers, the cast, the producers, the directors, everyone – and because it’s so REAL and gritty. So far, there’ve been 2 Skins generations, and apparently there’ll be one more. Each generation gets 2 seasons. Season 3 and 4 were interesting and shocking sometimes, and by all means watch them, but I think any true Skins fan will agree that season 1 and 2 were simply insanely beautiful. So I’m going to focus on the first generation.
Okay, quick confession – that’s an assumption. I’ve watched season 1 to 3, but I haven’t watched 4. I hear it’s the highest rated so far though, so maybe not ALL Skins fans agree that the first generation was the best 😛
They are also planning on taking Skins (or have they already..?) to the American screens. It’s supposed to be set in Baltimore. Seeing as practically every attempt at Americanizing Brit stuff ends with its senseless massacre, Mr. MTV, please spare us just this once? I don’t think I believe your promise to make it not suck.
June 15, 2010 § 7 Comments
So. I just decided to check out my blog rating here because I like cheap thrills and was shocked to find out that it’s RESTRICTED. Really..? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! Apparently it got that rating because it contains the words death, suicide, sex, knife and torture. Well, first of all, I don’t recall writing the word ‘knife’ in any of my posts so I’m really suspecting this site, but even if I did, are these really the parameters that are used to rate content?? What if my blog was discouraging suicide especially by stabbing yourself with a knife because your death will torture the people close to you? Also, don’t use sex as a method of escapism. Will my blog still be rated R? It all seems kinda stupid to me. Blaming the media for being too lazy to educate your children properly on right and wrong.
And so my next post is going to be about Skins. I’ve been meaning to write it for a while, and now I’m really inspired to since it’s also generally rated R 🙂 If you haven’t watched it yet, and you plan to, don’t read my next post – lots and lots of spoilers. Also, if you feel it’ll ‘offend your delicate sensibilities’, don’t bother 😛
Also, I decided to display the rating on my blog. So now you know.
June 12, 2010 § 5 Comments
- lack of interest or enthusiasm for things generally considered interesting or moving; indifference.
- lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
“Let’s conspire to ignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive.”
– Muse (Starlight)
I’ve been feeling terribly terribly apathetic lately. I mean, I’m still opinionated and I laugh and feel sad and have good moods and bad moods, but it’s more like, I dunno, like I’m not quite present? Like there’s a thick fog that I can’t seem to penetrate? That sounds so lovely and cliché. And true.
I’ve been slowly descending into the mist for a while now, but it’s gotten spectacularly bad recently. Usually it’s easy enough to operate on autopilot, but lately it’s like even that is failing me. I can no longer make myself do things that I feel I need to do to be able to regain my life when I’m out of this funk. I’m not really bothered about going to class, and the only reason I’ve actually attended a number of them is because I don’t have the energy to explain my absence to my classmates who call, or just ask the next day. I don’t have the energy to lie. That’s never ever happened to me before. I don’t have it in me to reply messages, I don’t have it in me to express my thoughts. I can’t even pretend to have a civil conversation with my room-mates so I spend most of my time with my headphones on or asleep. Or both. Just in case 🙂
I’m sick and tired of feeling like this, yet apparently I’m not sick and tired enough of it to actually FEEL sick and tired. Confused? Anyway, the point of all this is that I’m irritated enough by it to attempt to regain some semblance of emotion. Actually posting this is step 1. It’s been sitting in my drafts about 3 days already. Maybe I’ll even be inspired to complete another of the 5 or 6 I’ve been meaning to complete for like a month 🙂
Smileys are wonderful aren’t they? Convey whatever emotion you want to feel instead of what you actually DO feel? Love them.
“Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds…”
– Eminem (Stan)
I (used to) self-injure when I feel so much that it escalates to numbness. It always serves as a reminder that I’m still part of this world, and that I CAN still feel something. Sometimes it would just be a distraction from whatever was going on. Either way, it’s always been an expression of emotion. I’d give anything to have that burning desire back. To need to hurt myself physically as a manifestation of my internal turmoil. Much better than all this emptiness. Whatev, don’t really care though (ha! apathy pun!)
There are some pretty cool apathy tees on zazzle though –
THE REAL 7 DEADLY SINS:
Abuse of Power
I couldn’t agree more even if I tried!
Another example is
If we’re all made in God’s image, why aren’t we all omnipotent, omnipresent, apathetic, invisible dudes?
In my personal opinion God IS apathetic to us. Completely indifferent. I just don’t think it needs to be some bitter, anti-religion message thing. It seems a bit unnecessary and pointless, and offensive to people who have different beliefs from you. I’d still wear it though 🙂
A final one, and my personal favourite:
Oh my, that one made me laugh 😀
June 8, 2010 § Leave a comment
I’ve known you since I was five. You’ve had a countless number of positions in my life – classmate, neighbour, partner-in-crime, family friend, lover, best friend… You mean more to me than you’ll ever know because I’m unable to express the emotions you invoke in me. 13 years of friendship down the line, I’ve written you more letters than I can remember, but I’ve never written the most important one. An apology letter. Maybe one day I’ll stop being such a chicken-shit and I’ll actually show this to you, because that’s the least you deserve from me…
I don’t even know where I should start with this. I know I’ve hurt you almost beyond repair. I see it each time you look at me, and it kills me. Yet I know I don’t even deserve to let you know how much you hurting cuts me up. That’s my punishment, my karma, for everything I’ve done.
We’ve had a lot of adventures over the years, haven’t we? Our first alcoholic drinks 🙂 I think we were 9 then. Vodka neat. We were such ninjas 🙂 And we were what? 10 when we smoked for the first time? Remember how we promised each other that we would NEVER ever get addicted to cigarettes? We were supposed to be there for each other in case the temptation ever became too much. I failed you, and I’m sorry. I see you inhale pack after pack, and I hate it. It doesn’t help that I don’t want to be just another person on the list of lecture-givers and so I barely say anything about your habit. I’ll say it now though – I HATE that you’re a smoker because I know what it’s doing to your body. And I know if you wanted to quit, you could. But you don’t really want to, do you? Not enough anyway. If I could take it all back, that first trip to the shop, that first puff, I would. In a heartbeat. Maybe if I’d never been so willing, maybe if I’d had the common-sense to recognize it as a bad idea, maybe you wouldn’t be blackening your lungs every day. And maybe it wouldn’t make a difference either way. I’m still sorry though.
I’m sorry I could never see just how deeply depressed you were. That I was too selfish to see how much YOU were hurting, that I could only see how WE were struggling. I’m sorry that we fought so much, and that you cried so often. I’m sorry that I never took your threats of suicide seriously enough. And that night when we were sitting outside and you told me how you were going to end it all? That night when it finally hit home that you were not even remotely kidding? I’m sorry that YOU had to comfort ME. And that I never coherently told you why you were too valuable to lose. What if you hadn’t changed your mind?? I think about that sometimes. How you’d never have known just how much you meant to me and to everyone around you. I was your best friend, and I should have been able to MAKE you see what I saw. That was my duty, and I failed you. Again.
I keep repeating the same words over and over – I’m sorry. I hope that doesn’t make them lose any meaning, because I really am. Sorry, I mean.
I’m sorry that I thought that you only had to make the decision to keep living once. I thought healing starts immediately after the first conscious decision. But it doesn’t, does it? I ignored all the signs after that. I mean, I knew you were still depressed, and it only made more sense when you were actually diagnosed, but I don’t know why I thought that suicide was no longer even an option. You broke my heart when you told me that it was still a very possible ending to your story. You know that, right? I’ve never felt more pain than I did then. I now know that heartbreak is a physical thing as much as it is emotional. And I know sometimes you think I’m indifferent to you, and that’s why I have to say this now. I can imagine nothing worse than losing you. And that time you run away and your dad called me, I thought you had done it, and I felt like I was dying. I love you more than I love myself. And it’s a deep blinding love. You need to know that.
I still stand by what I said though. If nothing helps, if the pills and the friends by your side, and therapy and anything else you try don’t help. If you truly feel there is NO other option. If it ever reaches that point that it is truly and honestly beyond you, I free you from accountability to me. Because I’d rather carry the weight of that hurt on my shoulders for the rest of my life, than to have you carry it. I don’t know how to put this in a polite way, but I know you know what I mean. Because I’ve said it to you before.
I’m crying as I write this. And I’m scared because I know I’m about to reach the hardest part of this apology. And I know that this is long. But I don’t think we’ve ever been able to minimize on words when we needed to be honest with each other. And I need to be honest with you now.
Most of all And finally, most importantly, I’m sorry that I couldn’t love you the way that you deserved to be loved. I’m sorry that you had to suffer with me and all my numerous issues. I’m sorry that I’m so closed up, and I’m sorry that I can’t let you love me the way you want to. Because I’m not worth it. I know you feel like you should argue with me on that, but there’s no need to. I’m simply stating a fact. I’m not saying I’m undeserving of love, I’m saying that I’m unworthy of YOUR love. And that’s why I always run from you. I’m sorry I broke your heart, I wish you knew how much I hate myself for that. It was, and still is, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I push you away because I want you to stop loving me. Because I NEED you to stop loving me. I wish for once you’d stop being so stubborn and hard-headed.
This letter is so mixed up now. I think it says everything I wanted to say though – that I’m sorry for failing you as a friend and as more, and that I recognize that you deserve so much more. I just need you to recognize it too. And if you open your pretty eyes and look around you, you’ll see that there are so many people who want to and can love you the way you should be loved. I’m here for you. And I’m trying to change so that that statement actually MEANS something. I want you to read this, and you will. You’re the only person I’d consider going un-anonymous for. I’ve already written the email that’ll link you here. It’ll send on your birthday. September 13th 🙂 I hope that this doesn’t open up any old wounds, but I know we’re similar in that our old hurts never quite heal over. So I’m writing this so you can get closure – so you can see why I do what I do. You said you’ll wait for me. Please don’t.
I love you, and I’ll never stop.
Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them.
– Herman Hesse
June 2, 2010 § 2 Comments
After struggling with ideas for a while, I finally managed to complete my 101/1001 list…*phew*
I’m 19 right now, and by the time I’m done with it, I’ll be about 2 weeks from my 22nd birthday. I’m in first year, and by the time 1001 days is up, I’ll be 5 months from graduation. So clearly it’s a hell of a long time. Planning that far into the future is a scary concept for me, I usually don’t even know what I’ll be doing later on in the day But it seemed like a good idea, so let’s see how it goes…
The list is probably the most personal thing I’ve posted so far. I don’t even know why I’m freaking out about it yet I know that none of you know who I am Anyway, I finally just sucked it up, and wrote the list as it was in my head. There are no explanations with the items, so if you want to know anything, just ask 🙂 I don’t expect judgement, but then again, I don’t care either way 😛
And I think it’s a good idea to write your own 🙂