I’m A Mess

December 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

Forgive me, please. And just try to understand a bit.

Here’s the link to my tumblr as I attempt to get my writing back on track: Nothing… Everything

I’m Baaaaaack

July 18, 2010 § 8 Comments

I’ve been missing for a while. Don’t really know if you’d noticed. It’s okay if you hadn’t, because I almost didn’t myself. I don’t even know why I bothered starting to write this, because it’s unlikely I’ll publish it anyway. Plus it took me 32 minutes just to write those 2 sentences.

I don’t know where I’ve gone, but I sure as shit hope I’m getting back soon. It’s exhausting living my life hoping not to miss the cue of whatever emotion I’m supposed to be feeling/portraying because if I do (miss the cue, I mean), it gets kinda difficult to regain stability and keep going. Thank god (or whatever) I’m a pathological liar. Makes it easier to do the play-acting thing.

Hmmm, anyway, the point of this – I’m (hopefully) back on the blogosphere, and I’m (hopefully) going to churn out quite a number of posts within a short space of time. So, you know, yay.

Also, I’m really sorry about my lack of commenting – both in response to your comments, and on your own blogs. I DO read quite a bit of all of you guys’ stuff nearly constantly but I tend to do the ghost-reading thing. I’ll (hopefully) do a post featuring my favourite blogs and writers really soon because y’all keep me entertained when I can’t sleep, or make myself leave the house. And I’m very grateful for that. I’ll try to be less of an invisible reader from now on 🙂

Rated R (allegedly)

June 15, 2010 § 7 Comments

So. I just decided to check out my blog rating here because I like cheap thrills and was shocked to find out that it’s RESTRICTED. Really..? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! Apparently it got that rating because it contains the words death, suicide, sex, knife and torture. Well, first of all, I don’t recall writing the word ‘knife’ in any of my posts so I’m really suspecting this site, but even if I did, are these really the parameters that are used to rate content?? What if my blog was discouraging suicide especially by stabbing yourself with a knife because your death will torture the people close to you? Also, don’t use sex as a method of escapism. Will my blog still be rated R? It all seems kinda stupid to me. Blaming the media for being too lazy to educate your children properly on right and wrong.

parental advisory

And so my next post is going to be about Skins. I’ve been meaning to write it for a while, and now I’m really inspired to since it’s also generally rated R 🙂 If you haven’t watched it yet, and you plan to, don’t read my next post – lots and lots of spoilers. Also, if you feel it’ll ‘offend your delicate sensibilities’, don’t bother 😛

Also, I decided to display the rating on my blog. So now you know.

Ahmed. [And A Horrible Mix Of Colours (Which I Am Too Lazy To Change)]

May 2, 2010 § 2 Comments

So I’m feeling quite chatty today. Poor you, eh? 🙂

I’ve been really busy this week – two of my assignments (that i had, of course, not even began because procrastination is an evil attractive monster) were due on Thursday and Friday. So it’s been crazy crazy work, right? Right. On Tuesday i was sitting in the darkest corner of the caff (feeling antisocial, bitches!) from about 9 in the night till like 1 in the morn. And there’s this guy (Ahmed. I can’t possibly maintain ‘this guy’ till he introduces himself) who kept passing and generally looking in my direction like he had something to say. I had my headphones on though, and my music at the highest volume possible (like i said, antisocial), so I guess he figured whatev, you know?
So I finally get up to leave, and I have to pass by the table that Ahmed and his peoples just happen to be sitting at. I’m walking quite fast because, well, first of all, the hostel curfew on weekdays is 12. And secondly, like I said before, I had a shitload of work that I needed to do. And as I’m walking, I hear someone literally running after me going, “Excuse! Excuse!
So I stop.
Ahmed: Hi!
Me: Um, hey.
Ahmed: What’s your name?
Me: Nobody (no, that is NOT what I actually said. But anonymous blog this, remember?)
Ahmed: Well, I’m Ahmed (no need to protect his confidentiality, right?). Hello Nobody! Are you a student of this university? no, duh. Where are you going to? Can I have your number? Where are you going, Nobody? whoa… breathe
Me: Um, to the hostels?
Ahmed: You stay there? intelligent creature this, eh?
Me: Yup.
Ahmed: Your number please?
Me: Ummmm…
Ahmed: Yes? Your number?
Me: Ummmm…
Ahmed: Here’s my phone for you to write it! hint not taken? really?
Me: Er, I generally don’t give my number to strangers. And I’m in a rush, I need to go…
Ahmed: Your number, Nobody?
ah, whatev, no time to fight
(this is where I give my number… Unwise. I know, I know.)
Ahmed: I’ll call you, Nobody! I’ll call! This I promise! shit
Me: Yeah. Bye…
So the next day, I get about 3 texts from him. And I’m busy. So I only reply to the first, and not being a bitch or anything, I genuinely forget about the rest. And later that night, he calls asking how I’m doing, where I am (caff, again) etc. And lets me know that he’ll join me in 10.
10 minutes pass. 20… (but i’m hard at work, so it’s not like i was counting them, lol)
>> hey, what’s the deal with people who hate the word ‘lol’ anyway? I use it, but like, with discretion. so what’s the prob?? ANYWAY… <<
30 minutes. 45…
Another busy night, so I decide to leave ’cause I’d given him time anyway. God, I am such a nice person! And I’m packing up my stuff with my headphones still on when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Now, here’s the thing about me – i get startled easily.
Me: *practically jumping out of my skin* SHIT!!!
Ahmed: Apologies!!
Me: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod… *my heart palpitating like, i dunno, a freaking drum* Jesus!
Ahmed: Hello again, Nobody! I came a long long time ago, but I saw you working, so I just sat over there and watched you! creepo much?
Me:
Ahmed: I need to talk to you. Please sit?
Me: Need to talk? um, okay… About?
Ahmed: Where are you from?
Me: Nowhere (once again, anonymity. Not bitchiness)
Ahmed: I’m from Nigeria. no shit. >> and by that, i mean ’cause’ve his obvious accent. Don’t get it twisted, thinking i mean something else << I assume you know why I followed you yesterday and asked for your number and sent you messages and called you and came to see you tonight? try using pauses instead of ‘and’, asshole
Me: Because your friendly?
Ahmed: I’ve been watching you for about a month now. excuse me? And I must say, I quite like what I see. I want us to be in a relationship.
Me: *laughing* …what?
Ahmed: Yes, I’ve thought about it, and you’re perfect. Will you be mine? so not how I imagined I’d first hear those words
Me: …what?
Ahmed: Yes, yes, I’ve thought long and hard.
Me: Ummmm…
Ahmed: You are my girlfriend now, yes? forgot about his inability to take hints
Me: I’m already in a relationship. (no i’m not.)
Ahmed: Is he in NoPlace also?
Me: Uh, nah, he’s back home. In Nowhere. (no he’s not.)
>> bet you’re thinking I should’ve said yes to that, huh? I couldn’t though, because I’d already told Mr. Can’t-Pick-Up-The-Phone-And-Call (previous post) about my ‘boyfriend’. <<
Ahmed: I have a girlfriend at home also. But she’s not here, so she doesn’t matter.
Me: Yeah, well, I’m in a committed relationship.
Ahmed: Yes, well, I was told that. excuse me, told by who?? have you been asking about me? holy shit.
Me: Yeah, well, it’s true. I need to go.
Ahmed: I understand. You are beautiful. Our relationship will be beautiful.
Me: I’m not in a relationship with you.
Ahmed: Let me walk you to the gate [of the hostels]. Like your man should. my man?
Me: Wow. Bye.

>> and yes, he DID proceed to walk beside me the whole time, despite the fact that i quite convincingly faked a call <<
I had to get a drink from the vending machine at the caff today. HE WAS THERE. And proceeded to tell me, among many, many other things to which i did not respond except to unequivocally state that i am NOT INTERESTED, that he’s coming to pick me up tomorrow for ‘a movie and dinner’.
Please note that I’ve chosen not to bore you with the tales of the numerous texts and ‘missed’ calls from him. It’s Saturday. We met on Tuesday.
No. No no no no no no no NO. Please tell me that this is not another stalker situation??? Because I promise I CANNOT do this. I can’t handle it. I won’t be okay this time. I moved to a new uni in March. New place. Again.That means I not only don’t have my friends from back home, I also don’t have the ones I made during my fake first sem of uni (fake because I never went to class). I make friends slow. Friends friends, I mean. Not acquaintances.
I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS.
And so I’ll just keep hoping that I’m jumping to conclusions, and that Ahmed is not in fact stalker-like, just over-eager. And will be bored of me quickly.
Right?
This is a bloody long post.

Last Friday

April 10, 2010 § 2 Comments

I hooked up with a guy from my uni. Not all-the-way hooked up, but pretty damn close. Pretty much all-the-way hooked up, except that it wasn’t. If that makes any sense 🙂 Closest I’ve come… And I had fun, but I made pretty damn sure he knew that it was just that – fun. And when I got back home, I felt so relaxed, and so in control, and just so…good.

And life moved on.
I actually found myself praying that he wouldn’t call or text because all I was gonna do anyway was turn him down and reiterate the fact that it was nothing serious. 


SATURDAY went out. Had such a good time… *sigh* 🙂 Alcohol, dancing, amazing music, company that the gods would kill to have…i mean, what more could anyone want??

SUNDAY – recovered all day. WHY does my body hurt so damn much?!?

MONDAY – got up with a generally hate-filled heart and went to class. Who created stupid mondays anyway?? Ugh. Made it through the day, but just barely.

All this time I’m still feeling cool and sexy and, like I said, in control.

TUESDAY – wow. He’s REALLY not gonna call? Oh well, whatever, better off this way anyway…

WEDNESDAY oh for fuck’s sake, seriously?! Shouldn’t he at least fucking check up on me? I mean, what if I fucking got lost on the way home or something? What if I’m lying dead in a fucking ditch right now and no one knows? Did he not enjoy himself??? Do I not generally make guys wanna come back for more? Is he fucking for real?!

I never curse. Uh oh.

Why do I always do this? Why do I pretend to myself that I’m so much bigger than all the girls who sit around waiting on the phone to ring? Why do I think I’m so self-actualized; so independent that I can be in control of all my generally pathetic feelings?
Why oh why do I think I’m immune??
Immune to falling…immune to being stupid-in-love…immune to heartbreak…?
Not in this case, of course – that would be a little retarded. But it served as a reminder. I still need to be careful with my heart. I am the rule, NOT the exception to the rule.

And it’s very fucking scary.


so

November 24, 2009 § 5 Comments

just finished my 3 hour long math paper. i didn’t read for it. i haven’t read for any of my papers so far. i missed half the classes for all my subjects, and didn’t hand in almost all my assignments. i’m not proud.


okay, okay, wait. let me back up a little. i’m a first year (first sem actually) engineering student. my major is robotics and mechatronics. i’m in a university a continent away from home, and this is my first time on my own. like really alone…you know? i came here knowing absolutely no one in this town, in this STATE, let alone in this uni. which was really hard for me considering the whole, you know, shyness + generally antisocial behaviour + extreme dislike of change that defines my personality. but i did it. i came here, and i made friends, and it’s not TOO bad, i guess. it’s weird that i’m such a different person here though – no boys, no alcohol except once, no girls, no naughtiness, no flirting…i pretty much define a GOOD girl. and that would make my friends back home laugh their asses off 😀 not that i’m usually thaaat bad, but it’s still a major change.

i know i’d already started off talking about it, but i’m tired. i really do want to talk about my school life though, because that’s the centre of WHO i am right now. next post? yup, next post… 🙂

i DON’T like (very tempted to use the word ‘hate’)…

November 23, 2009 § 4 Comments

rain in my shoes
ignorant people
people not respecting my personal space
my inability to focus on schoolwork
my shyness
my inability to just…be
traffic jams
stupid girls
the fact that i cannot, for some reason, swim breaststroke with my head above the water
my legs
my fingers
my toes
my bellybutton (outie)
superficial people (which i know i must sound like already)
judgemental people
poor spellers
poor punctuation
the idea that ‘god’ controls what’s happening in our lives – which i don’t believe. but IF he IS in control…he’s fucked up
child abuse
school

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