I’m A Mess

December 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

Forgive me, please. And just try to understand a bit.

Here’s the link to my tumblr as I attempt to get my writing back on track: Nothing… Everything

Music Week (Day 5)

March 4, 2011 § Leave a comment

I don’t have much to say about the song today. Discussing anything political always takes too much out of me emotionally, so I don’t do it much any more. I still get goosebumps each time I listen to this song. Sometimes, it makes me cry.

HANDS HELD HIGH

Linkin Park

Cover of "Minutes to Midnight: European T...

Cover via Amazon

Turn my mic up louder, I got to say something

Light weights step it aside when we come in

Feel it in your chest, the syllables get pumping

People on the street, they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming

I jump in my mind, I summon the rhyme, I’m dumping

Healing the blind, I promise to let the sun in

Sick of the dark ways we marched to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping

Fuck that, I wanna see some fists pumping

Miss something, take back what’s yours

Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I’m sick of being treated like I have before

Like it’s stupid standing for what I’m standing for

Like this war’s really just a different brand of war

Like it doesn’t cater the rich and abandon the poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet

When you can’t put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank

And cashing their cheque

Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way

Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day

In their living rooms laughing like, “What did he say?!”


Amen amen

Amen amen

Amen


In my living room watching but I am not laughing

Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

The world is cold, the bold men take action

Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old is something to see

Another kid my age dragged under the jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree

I wonder if he had thought, “The next one could be me…”

Do you see the soldiers that’re out today?

They brush the dust from bullet-proof vests away

It’s ironic – at times like this you pray

But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There’s bombs in the buses, bikes, roads

Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad, he’s got a lot of fear I know

But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride

A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside:

‘When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who die.’

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away

Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day

Both scared and angry like, “What did he say?!”


Amen amen

Amen amen

Amen


With hands held high unto a sky so blue

As the ocean opens up to swallow you…


Because I’ve not found any two sites that write the lyrics to this song in 100% the same way, there may be a few mistakes. But those are irrelevant to the message so I’ll let them stand.

LISTEN TO IT HERE –> Hands Held High by Linkin Park

I’m Baaaaaack

July 18, 2010 § 8 Comments

I’ve been missing for a while. Don’t really know if you’d noticed. It’s okay if you hadn’t, because I almost didn’t myself. I don’t even know why I bothered starting to write this, because it’s unlikely I’ll publish it anyway. Plus it took me 32 minutes just to write those 2 sentences.

I don’t know where I’ve gone, but I sure as shit hope I’m getting back soon. It’s exhausting living my life hoping not to miss the cue of whatever emotion I’m supposed to be feeling/portraying because if I do (miss the cue, I mean), it gets kinda difficult to regain stability and keep going. Thank god (or whatever) I’m a pathological liar. Makes it easier to do the play-acting thing.

Hmmm, anyway, the point of this – I’m (hopefully) back on the blogosphere, and I’m (hopefully) going to churn out quite a number of posts within a short space of time. So, you know, yay.

Also, I’m really sorry about my lack of commenting – both in response to your comments, and on your own blogs. I DO read quite a bit of all of you guys’ stuff nearly constantly but I tend to do the ghost-reading thing. I’ll (hopefully) do a post featuring my favourite blogs and writers really soon because y’all keep me entertained when I can’t sleep, or make myself leave the house. And I’m very grateful for that. I’ll try to be less of an invisible reader from now on 🙂

Fight Apathy! Or Don’t.

June 12, 2010 § 5 Comments

ap-a-thy (n.)

  • lack of interest or enthusiasm for things generally considered interesting or moving; indifference.
  • lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

“Let’s conspire to ignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive.”

– Muse (Starlight)

I’ve been feeling terribly terribly apathetic lately. I mean, I’m still opinionated and I laugh and feel sad and have good moods and bad moods, but it’s more like, I dunno, like I’m not quite present? Like there’s a thick fog that I can’t seem to penetrate? That sounds so lovely and cliché. And true.

I’ve been slowly descending into the mist for a while now, but it’s gotten spectacularly bad recently. Usually it’s easy enough to operate on autopilot, but lately it’s like even that is failing me. I can no longer make myself do things that I feel I need to do to be able to regain my life when I’m out of this funk. I’m not really bothered about going to class, and the only reason I’ve actually attended a number of them is because I don’t have the energy to explain my absence to my classmates who call, or just ask the next day. I don’t have the energy to lie. That’s never ever happened to me before. I don’t have it in me to reply messages, I don’t have it in me to express my thoughts. I can’t even pretend to have a civil conversation with my room-mates so I spend most of my time with my headphones on or asleep. Or both. Just in case 🙂

I’m sick and tired of feeling like this, yet apparently I’m not sick and tired enough of it to actually FEEL sick and tired. Confused? Anyway, the point of all this is that I’m irritated enough by it to attempt to regain some semblance of emotion. Actually posting this is step 1. It’s been sitting in my drafts about 3 days already. Maybe I’ll even be inspired to complete another of the 5 or 6 I’ve been meaning to complete for like a month 🙂

Smileys are wonderful aren’t they? Convey whatever emotion you want to feel instead of what you actually DO feel? Love them.

“Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds…”

– Eminem (Stan)

I (used to) self-injure when I feel so much that it escalates to numbness. It always serves as a reminder that I’m still part of this world, and that I CAN still feel something. Sometimes it would just be a distraction from whatever was going on. Either way, it’s always been an expression of emotion. I’d give anything to have that burning desire back. To need to hurt myself physically as a manifestation of my internal turmoil. Much better than all this emptiness. Whatev, don’t really care though (ha! apathy pun!)

There are some pretty cool apathy tees on zazzle though –

THE REAL 7 DEADLY SINS:

Apathy

Cruelty

Duplicity

Hypocrisy

False Morality

Abuse of Power

Cultivated Ignorance

I couldn’t agree more even if I tried!

Another example is

If we’re all made in God’s image, why aren’t we all omnipotent, omnipresent, apathetic, invisible dudes?

In my personal opinion God IS apathetic to us. Completely indifferent. I just don’t think it needs to be some bitter, anti-religion message thing. It seems a bit unnecessary and pointless, and offensive to people who have different beliefs from you. I’d still wear it though 🙂

A final one, and my personal favourite:

got apathy?

meh-be…

Oh my, that one made me laugh 😀

so

November 24, 2009 § 5 Comments

just finished my 3 hour long math paper. i didn’t read for it. i haven’t read for any of my papers so far. i missed half the classes for all my subjects, and didn’t hand in almost all my assignments. i’m not proud.


okay, okay, wait. let me back up a little. i’m a first year (first sem actually) engineering student. my major is robotics and mechatronics. i’m in a university a continent away from home, and this is my first time on my own. like really alone…you know? i came here knowing absolutely no one in this town, in this STATE, let alone in this uni. which was really hard for me considering the whole, you know, shyness + generally antisocial behaviour + extreme dislike of change that defines my personality. but i did it. i came here, and i made friends, and it’s not TOO bad, i guess. it’s weird that i’m such a different person here though – no boys, no alcohol except once, no girls, no naughtiness, no flirting…i pretty much define a GOOD girl. and that would make my friends back home laugh their asses off 😀 not that i’m usually thaaat bad, but it’s still a major change.

i know i’d already started off talking about it, but i’m tired. i really do want to talk about my school life though, because that’s the centre of WHO i am right now. next post? yup, next post… 🙂

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